With my head balanced in the palm of my
hand as I hunch over the notebook, I have no idea what to say. Hell, five-years
ago I wouldn’t even have been able to scratch a sentence together, much less give
a shit. As I grip the pen, I ponder my thoughts on what life was like before
and after Bella. What was life like? I didn’t have one. I was dead though I
moved around. I was a walking, talking snarling zombie content to fight lesser
24/7 if allowed. I cared nothing about my safety or health. I wanted nothing at
all. I was content to lie each day on a pitiful pallet though I had comforts. I
refused to eat though food was provided. I hid myself from people who cared
because I thought I didn’t feel the same. Not until…
Yeah I was complete headfuck until she came
along. Though my past will never leave me and I will be plagued with nightmares
until I go into the fade, Bella makes it—better. Never before would I have
thought in a million years I would enjoy waking up with the soft, warm body of
my shellan tucked next mine. Because of her, I have Nalla—my other beloved. My
relationship with my twin and the rest of the brotherhood has for lack of a
better word…improved. Hell, everyone still thinks I’m a ticking time bomb and
they may be right. Yet, I know I can
walk into mine mated room and mine shellan will be there. I can wrap myself in
her arms and feel whole.
On the rare occasions we have a Mahmen and
Daddy night off and we leave the Manse, it never fails—people stare. You can
almost read their minds as they ponder—what is she doing with someone who looks
like they are wearing a freakish Halloween mask? It makes me laugh because 1) I
don’t care what they think and 2) sometimes I wonder the same thing. But Bella
just looks up at me, her sapphire eyes burning with the love she has for me and
all of those onlookers just disappear. The whole world disappears when it comes
to Nalla and Bella.
Bella saved me in more ways than one. It
took her walking away to make me realize I didn’t want to be the ignorant
asshole wrapped up in his own self-pity. I wanted to be awakened and I think I
knew that before she was even abducted. From the moment she interrupted my
workout, she affected me in ways no female ever did. She scared me and
intrigued me at the same time, but unfortunately I stuck with my “ways”,
pushing her away. That’s what I did—pushed anyone who wanted to love me away.
Could I let her walk away again? Not on your life, not without a fucking fight.
How much do I love her? I don’t know if I have
the words. I don’t think there are enough words. I never wanted young before
she came along. Why? Everything from my body was vile and tainted, how could I
want to share that with a female? Especially her, she is…perfect. Bella changed
my mind on all of that. I would die without her. I would cease to exist, I
would be…worse than dead.
What is my life like now? Damn near
perfect. It’s as perfect as the Scribe Virgin has blessed me with. So yeah,
what do I write down about my life before and after Bella? With an unsteady
head, I push the pen onto the paper and write the words I spoke the moment she
returned to me.
“I was dead until you found me, though I
breathed. I was sightless, though I could see. And then you came...and I was
awakened.”
Z
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